Steph crazy days
by CrzyAsians
Summary: Just something I came up with. Steph has a few crazies you know the usual. RxS


**ALL smutt is made by my bestie Claire.**

**We don't own any JE characters so don't sue us.**

Prologue

I can hear my mother already "Is it true that your car got blown up outside Moe's bakery?" "Christine's daughter doesn't get her car blown up. Mrs Havre's daughter doesn't get stalkers. Why me God? What did I do wrong?" If I was any other person I would be in a state of shock but I'm not because this is a normal occurrence in my life. I'm Stephanie Plum, and things getting blown up always happen to me. You see I'm a Bail Bonds Enforcer aka bounty hunter. I work for my disgusting waste of space cousin Vincent Plum and ever since I took this job I have rolled in garbage, Vaseline and other things I rather not know about. I have seen my fair share of hairy asses. I'm always getting stalkers and psychopaths who want to kill me, isn't my life just fun?

"Well I thought it was you. You're the only one who could blow up three cars in a month" I heard Lester's voice; I whirled around only to find the amused faces of Lester, Tank and the rest of the Merry Men. I guess I didn't see the 3 black SUVs pull up since I was looking at what the cops were doing. I felt the hair rise on the back of my neck and I knew Ranger had arrived. Ranger is my mentor, friend and one time lover. Ranger is the guy that helped me out when I decided to become a bounty hunter. "Babe," that one word told me everything. I faced Ranger and even though he wasn't smiling I knew he was laughing on the inside. "Umm... Hey Ranger. What cha doing here?" I asked. Ok I knew that was a stupid question, it was obvious why he was here and by the look on his face he knew it to, but hey when all else fails try denial...right? "Babe, we were apprehending a skip a couple of blocks down the road when we heard the bomb go off. We got the skip and went to investigate what happened." Wow that's a long speech. I turned my head to look at the burning car when suddenly it hit me.

"Oh. My. God"

"Babe, are you hurt?" Ranger asked me, I could hear the worry in his voice.

"I can't believe it. I can't FUCKING! Believe it. I didn't even have this stupid piece of shit car for an hour and I've already blown it up. Fuck it." I shouted "This is the third car this month, this is a new record. Jesus. I swear I should enter this shit in the Book of World Records, I bet they haven't had anyone whose cars get blown up like every week."

"Ok bombshell, calm down your really starting to scare us." I heard Bobby say. "Yeah beautiful are you sure your ok?"

"No I'm not ok; my bag was in that stupid car, which had my gun, bullets, taser and credit cards not to mention $200 dollars worth of clothes. I haven't had coffee this morning, and I'm on a sugar diet so that means I have had no sugar for two months and my fucking car just got blown up. Know I have to put up with my mother's shit, then Morelli's shit and then the rest of the burgs stupid shit. I swear life isn't worth it" I finished my rambling and looked to see that everyone including the Merry Men and Ranger had started to back up away from me, then I realised that I had been shouting.

"Why don't you shut your fat mouth you stupid bitch." Ok this day has just gone from bad to worse in like half an hour. I turned around and came face to face with none other then Joyce Barnhardt the woman that use to spread rumours about me at school and the same person who I had caught playing hide the salami with my now ex husband Dickie. "I should have suspected it was you that made all this mess, you're a fucking calamity Jane." She finished. "I'm not in the mood for your shit Joyce so fuck off. Anyway isn't there someone's husband you have to fuck?" I was very pleased with myself when I saw her stiffen and try to personate a fish. "No I think that was just you but maybe I might try Morelli or maybe your fat friend Lula's man I heard he was bi-" She didn't get to finish her sentence before I lunged at her. I tackled her to the ground and started punching her face in. "Hey you stupid fat whore, I don't care what you say about me but you leave my friends out of it and anyway, I don't think her man believes in fucking a fat ugly dog like you." I said with a smirk. "Shut up you filthy bitch!" Joyce said before she pushed me off her.

We both stood up and she made to punch me but she was too slow. I grabbed her arm and twisted it till I heard it pop and then she screamed. She tried to punch me with her other arm but I caught it half way and elbowed her in the gut then turned around and did a high kick and I guess my foot collided with her head because next thing I know Ranger was holding me tight to his chest and murmuring something in Spanish to me, for some reason the words seemed familiar to me but I couldn't comprehend what he was saying so I gave up because it was giving me a headache.

I looked around and saw that the police and Rangers men were staring at me. The cops looked like they were scared of me while the Rangeman men had a look of awe and disbelief on their faces. I turned my head the other way and I saw that they were loading Joyce into the ambulance. I groaned and closed my eyes trying to will the memories away but that made it worse. "What just happened to you a couple of minutes ago?" Ranger turned me around and looked straight into my eyes. I didn't know the answer but whatever happened scared me. I'd never hurt anybody like that before.

Liar, liar pants on fire.

Who the hell are you?

I'm part of your conscience

My what? You're joking right? I have a concussion or something.

No, you do not have a concussion.

You don't remember do you?

Remember what?

Who you are

"Babe, are you sure you're ok?" Ranger asked me, I could see he was concerned.

"Yes I'm fine, thank you" I replied still pondering over what my inner voice told me.

"Well are you going to tell me what happened between you and Joyce? We were concerned when we saw you tackle her to the ground. Why didn't you tell us you knew some martial arts techniques?" "I'm sorry Ranger I don't know what happened first I was arguing with her then it was like it wasn't me like I was on autopilot. I didn't know what I was doing it was just instinct I guess" I tried not to squirm under the intense gaze from the Merry Men and Ranger. "Stephanie" Ouch, this must be bad because he never uses my name unless something is very wrong or I did something very wrong. "Something like that doesn't just come from instinct unless you're trained in it, but even then you would have had to of been training for years. Is there something you're not telling us?"

To say I was hurt was an understatement. How could he think that I would lie to him? I trusted Ranger completely, but I guess the feeling wasn't mutual.

"I don't know what you are implying Carlos." I said his name like he was the devil but at least it made him wince so that meant he knew I was angry and hurt. He tried to comfort me but I shrugged his arm of my shoulder. "I have never lied to you...Well not about anything like this and anyway, I assume you researched me on your computers when you met me so you should know the answer to your own question."

I was very glad to see Lula walking towards us and the look she gave Ranger told me that she had heard the entire exchange. "Well I don't know what's up your ass Batman, but Stephanie trusts you completely the least you could do is do the same and anyways like she said, she wouldn't keep a secret like that from you now would she?" Lula said to Ranger as we walked away from him towards her car.

"White girl I saw what happened to you and that ho and I knew you were defending me so I'd like to say thanks, no one's every really done something like that for me." Lula said as we got into her car. "Lula your one of my closest friends, you defend me all the time so it's the least I can do."

This really sucks. Not only do I have a stalker, I also have a psychopath and someone's jealous ex after me. So now I have to stay at Ranger's apartment cause one of them blew up my apartment with me in it thank god it just started out as a fire. I can't believe it how could this happen to me?

Chapter 1

/8 Days earlier/

It was 3pm when my phone started ringing.

"Hello" I said answering my phone.

"How are you doin'?" Lula asked

"Fine thanks, umm I'm glad you called I was just wondering if you know if Morelli's back yet?"

"Nope sorry the last I heard he was somewhere out in Atlantic City doing some drug busts. Anyways I heard you and Morelli have been over for months now unless you guys are together again?" I could tell she was asking without trying to be nosey.

"Well no were not together. I just wanted to know because I got a present this morning and I didn't get to see the card because I was in a rush to get my files before that bitch Joyce did." I said.

"Nah sorry girl but maybe it was Ranger who gave you the present?" She sounded excited but I knew not to get my hopes up.

I decided it wouldn't hurt to see if Ranger left me the present. I picked up my phone and hit speed dial 2. He picked up on the third ring.

"Yo"

"Yo yourself"

"Babe, you ok?" Ranger asked me.

"Hey what the hell is that supposed to mean? Can't I call you to say hello?" I was very pissed to think that Ranger thought I was in trouble. Does he think I depend on him that much that I can't take care of myself? Fucking macho bastard. "Babe" I heard him sigh.

"I was just wondering if maybe you left me a present this morning." There was a long pause on the other side of the line.

"Err, Ranger?"

"No, sorry Babe wasn't me," another pause.

"Maybe it was Morelli?" it sounded more like a question then a statement. "No Morelli's out in Atlantic City doing a drug bust and we haven't been together for like two months now so it can't be him." And I haven't had sex in two months either.

"Well that can change if you want babe." I heard Ranger chuckle on the other side of the phone. "Damn did I say that out loud?" I asked him.

"Yeah babe you did." Shit. "Babe do you know anyone else who would give you a present?" I could here he was worried.

"Nope, don't know anyone who would give me a present." I said. "It can't be bad if you were wondering if it was me who gave you the gift."

Damn how do I tell Ranger that I haven't even opened it yet. "Umm... You see Ranger I haven't actually had time to look at it yet." There was a pause and I swear he stopped breathing.

"I'll be there soon." Then he disconnected. Ranger has great phone manners.

I was waiting in my parking lot when a black Porch cayenne pulled up next to me and Ranger stepped out looking hot as ever in his black SWAT shirt and pants. I mean the way his shirt moulds to his muscled body; I hope I'm not drooling.

Ranger must have been reading my mind because a couple of seconds later I found myself pinned up against my door with Ranger kissing me hard. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and used his knee to move my legs open. He pressed his self tight against me and I decided that he definitely could read minds. I was very disappointed when he moved away from me.

"Babe," Ranger said. "You distract me; I'm here for a reason." I just looked at him and then I remembered. "Oh yeah the present, god I almost forgot. Yeah come on up." We walked up to my apartment in silence. We stopped at my door and Ranger grabbed the keys from my hands. "Stay here while I check out your apartment." Ranger said to me as he drew out his gun. It only took him a couple of minutes before he gave me the all clear.

I walked into my foyer and took off my jacket. "Hey Rex," I said as I dropped a grape into his cage. "Babe, why do you talk to your hamster?" Ranger asked. I was shocked that he would ask such a stupid question. I wanted to answer him but I didn't know how. _Well you see Ranger I get very lonely by myself because the sad thing is you and Morelli are really the only two guys who come here that don't want to kill me or get my statement_. Since I didn't want to see the pity on his face when I told him, I decided to get a snack from the over head cupboard.

**(Hi I'm Claire and I'll be taking over)**

"Well he keeps me company." As soon as the words left my mouth I found my front hunched over the counter. I tried to move but Ranger had me trapped by pinning my hands in front of me. "If you wanted company babe, all you had to do was ask." There was something funny in his tone that made me think he was joking, but all thoughts of jokes went out the window when he slipped one digit into me. As he started to move his finger in and out he used his thumb to rub my clit. I moaned out his name and it must have encouraged him because a few seconds later he added another finger and then another till he was pumping three fingers in me.

"Ranger," I managed to get his name out. "What are you doing?" I moaned out the last word as his fingers grazed my soft spot. I moved my hips in time with his thrusts and he would occasionally rub against my soft spot. "Well I thought you would have guessed by now," He said with a chuckle.

"What? Don't you like it?" He whispered in my ear. Ranger pulled his fingers out and I whimpered in protest. I turned as much as I could to look at him and he had his wolf grin on. "Ranger," Once again I didn't get to finish because Ranger had turned me back around and I was now sitting on the counter. He shoved his hand in my mouth so I could taste myself. While I was sucking his hand, Ranger had taken off my shirt and bra. He had his mouth sucking hard on one of my breasts while he undid his pants and what do you know, Ranger had gone commando.

Ranger had manoeuvred us so that my right leg was resting on his shoulder and my left leg was in between his thighs. In one quick thrust Ranger was buried inside me. God he was big. He stretched me in all the right places. He started with a slow rhythm at first, but as my moans grew louder his speed increased. Ranger turned me on my side so that he got better access. At the speed that Ranger was pounding into me I knew that I would be sore in the morning. I felt my release coming soon and so did Ranger because he moved his hand and roughly massaged my breast. I cried out his name as he bit into my collarbone and felt him spill into me and then we collapsed on the floor.

"What the hell was that for?" I asked him when I got my breathing back to normal. "Sorry Babe," was all he said in a really sad voice. Sorry? Sorry! What the hell has he got to be sorry for? "What are you apologizing for?" I asked.

"I forced you," Ranger was avoiding any eye contact so I made him look at me. "Ranger, did you hear me complain?" I asked him I didn't give him time to answer as I started on my next question. "Do you hear me complaining right now? For god sake Ranger, you didn't force me, forcing some one means that the other person doesn't consent; do you honestly think that if someone tried to force something, anything on me that I would go down without a fight?" I finished my rambling and met Ranger's eyes.

I saw the relief cross his face. "Didn't you come over to check out my present?" I asked him as I remembered. "Babe I haven't finished with you yet," Was all Ranger said as he pushed me on to the wall. Just as we were about to start round two, the phone started to ring. I made to get it but Ranger had a strong grip on my hips. "Ranger let me go please I have to answer that," Even though the phone was the last thing on my mind I knew that it could be important. Very reluctantly Ranger let me go. I slowly made my way to the phone and answered it on the fourth ring.

**(Sam writing now)**

"Hello," I said into the receiver.

"..." There was no response.

"May I please ask who's speaking?"

"Hello? Is this Stephanie?"

"Yes, who is this?" I asked again.

"You will know soon enough." The voice replied.

I felt my anger rising. He just interrupted what would of been my third orgasm to say that. Who the hell is this guy?

"Listen buddy, I don't know what you're playing at, but you better give me a straight answer." I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

"Now, now, don't be impatient my love we'll be together soon. I hope you liked your present." And then he hung up.

I slammed the lid down and threw the cell phone against the wall and broke it. "Babe, are you ok?" I heard Ranger ask me.

"Yeah, sure just fucking peachy," I replied as I made my way over to the table to open the present. As I got closer, my stomach started to do flips. I unwrapped the blue wrapping and opened the lid of the box. I almost vomited when I saw a diamond ring connected to a finger.

I picked up the note that was next to the finger.

To my dear Stephanie,

I hope you like your engagement ring; I saw this man proposing to this whore and I thought a lovely ring like that shouldn't be put on filth. I followed her home and killed her. I've done this for you my love, you are my angel of light and I will make you mine.

This time I knew I was going to vomit. I quickly handed Ranger the note and ran into the toilet, making it in time to throw up my meatball sub. When I spewed out everything in my stomach, I rinsed out my mouth and went to my kitchen. I saw that Ranger was trying very hard not to break something.

I went over to him and gently touched his arm. "Ranger, are you ok?" I asked him. When he didn't respond I walked in front of him and took his head in my hands. He looked down at me and I could see the anger in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around my waist and started murmuring in Spanish.

"Babe, I know you don't like to be locked up-" I started struggling in his grip but I couldn't get away. "Stephanie, stop struggling and let me finish what I was going to say." After a few minutes I realised that struggling was futile so I waited patiently for him to start. "Now as I was saying, I know you don't like being locked up and I was wondering that maybe you'd stay at my apartment instead." It was a while before I answered him. "So you're not going to lock me up?" I tried to hide my surprise.

"Babe, I know you don't like to be locked up, I mean you can't even sit still for 10 minutes, and anyways; I can very much appreciate the thought of you being locked up in my apartment and chained to my bed." OH MY GOD! What is wrong with this man? I mean seriously, is sex the only thing on his mind.

"Umm... Ranger, don't take this the wrong way or anything but when was the last time you got laid? And what happened in my kitchen doesn't count."

**we'll try and write more soon**


End file.
